What better time to begin a blog than 3 in the morning? I can't sleep. I read and than laid in bed until about 1 when i finally decided to give into my sleeplessness. I peeled and ate a kiwi in the kitchen and then went outside and climbed up on the roof of our van and looked up at the stars. Alright, so stars are kind of hard to see in Arlington because of all the street lights but i looked up at the sky, and the moon and the breeze were perfect. I have recently come to find silence to be one of the things I love most. I have never in my life hated silence but in past years I think it was a symbol to me of the anxious thoughts it often made room for, more than it was something to take comfort in. Regardless of this anxiety i still appreciated silence for it's hospitality to thought, and welcomed opportunities for undisturbed thinking - though i often found them quick to lead into a deep well of introspection. It's interesting how throughout my life I've unintentionally seperated my thought life and my prayer life. I never wanted to, i guess i just didn't quite understand that to pray without ceasing did not mean each day had to be filled with a endless recitation of praises and requests and confessions. I guess at some point in between my praying and my thinking i felt Jesus nudging me and asking me to invite Him into my thoughts. Not that i have close to mastered this ceaseless, prayerful thinking, but i have come to find great contentment in silence, a peace rarely found before. I guess when i have the company of Jesus in my thoughts, instead of myself, i find his constant assurance instead of solely my persistent doubt, his grace in the face of my laden criticism, and his overwhelming love and acceptance for me when i have none for myself. All this to say i have come to love silence even more since i have found it can mean peace. I have also found it creates space for listening and learning, more about myself, more about others, more about life. I read a quote recently that said the soul loves silence because it is shy and silence helps it feel safe. This suprised me at first, probably because in our society people busy themselves so as to avoid silence - but perhaps they do this because they are afraid of what they might learn or see about themselves if they allow their souls to be exposed in silence - even if it is only them seeing it. Maybe what's scary about it is how foreign our "souls" can be to us, how we can maintain a outwardness that is not, when it comes down to it, a reflection of who we really are. Or maybe we are afraid to confront the hurt, or unanswered questions that we know we have avoided but are still way down there in our souls. The irony is that by trying to protect ourselves from the pain or angst that silence, or really listening to ourselves might bring, we are keeping ourselves from the freedom that follows. I think this freedom comes when we know our souls and make room for our souls, and our inward self no longer has to be separate or unreached by our outward self. Not only is there freedom for us as individuals in this wholeness and greater knowledge and acceptance of ourselves, but there is freedom in new community that is found when we can share contentedness in our true selves with others. I like this quote from a William Stafford poem: "And so I appeal to a voice, to something shadowy, a remote important region in all who talk: though we could fool each other, we should consider--lest the parade of our mutual life get lost in the dark." I think its time i go give sleeping another shot.